Where does the heart beat now….

Why is it that the things we want the most can prove to be the most difficult to obtain? Sometimes it feels like I’ve been looking for the “one” since I was five years old. There have been a few times in my seemingly long life that I thought I was close, and then fate proved me wrong. I’ve only truly loved one man in my life and my heart was shattered when it ended, and for a while there I didn’t think I’d ever again believe in love, much less find it again. But now that I’ve had time to lick my wounds and learn from my past I find that although I never thought I’d get over that huge blow, I find that I am now stronger and wiser than before. I guess it all depends on what you choose to do with the lemons life gives you, do you choose to make lemonade or do you choose to whine about the lemons you got?

Is something broken in me that cannot be fixed? Sometimes I ask myself that question, I haven’t had that; earth shaking, butterfly colony in my stomach, oh-my-god feeling in so long that I wonder if it’s me that’s the problem. After heartbreak, can you ever really love again? If you can is it ever truly honest or do you only share a part of yourself in order to self-protect in case it doesn’t work out and you are left again?

In the end is it all one big lie?

Focusing on what matters…

I’ve been doing research on colleges for the last few weeks because I needed the information for a paper I needed to do on the college I want attend for my bachelors degree. After I decided on Florida State University started the hard work, I logged onto that website so many times I lost count. There’s just so many little details that all go into one another. I have about a year to prepare for my audition in 2010 for the fall of that year. Yet, I still have to work on repertoire, fill out and send my applications, and before I do any of that I must get honor student status. I have to have a minimum of a 3.0 GPA just to apply to the school, that’s not to mention the rest of the things I have to do before I audition. I have a lot of work to do regarding Musicianship, I need to improve my sight singing skills and force myself to really practice every day. I don’t even know why I was spending so much time kissing W, what the hell was I thinking? Wasted time now I have to make up, see this is why I hate breaking from routine. It’s best to stick with what I know I need to do. I don’t have time to worry about foolishness like kissing some guy, or even dating. What on earth is that going to do for me when it comes to my auditions and school applications? Not a damn thing. So I’m shifting my focus from what doesn’t matter to what actually does.

It’s a new day ladies and gentlemen…

Tis the season for magic….

I’m so excited Christmas is almost here!!! I can’t wait to go shopping, I know this is a crazy time for shopping but I love the energy in the stores, the Christmas music, the feeling of joy in the cool weather. Ok maybe I’m sounding like I’m a little out of it, but I can’t help myself. I just love this time of year, it’s so cool to see how most people tend to have more compassion during this season, and it’s just so wonderful to see. I heard about this guy on TV this morning who had worked hard to buy his mom a diamond ring and was going to give it to her for Christmas but she died recently, so he dropped the ring in one of those salvation army Christmas collection buckets or something. He said he wanted to see it go to good use. People don’t do that usually at any other time, there’s just something magical about this time of year. I love it!

Jury!!!…..

I have jury coming up next Thursday which is the final for all music majors. You have to perform each piece you’ve been working on in the current semester. I’m so nervous, apparently it’s not really a big deal or so Ms. D says, she’s my voice teacher. I’m still nervous because I have to sing in front of the entire vocal faculty, I’m sure it will be the longest 10 minutes of my life. My Italian piece is coming along better than my English piece, which I find odd. Personally I am not so sure this song is a great song for me but whatever. Love has eyes is in and so is Gail Sole Dal Gange I’m so nervous! I hear it’s worse at other music colleges. I’m just going to walk into that room and sing my heart out, regardless of how scary it is, I have to face and get over my fears now. Like they say; there’s no time like the present.

Almost there!….

I can’t believe thanksgiving break is on Tuesday! I’m so excited about having some time off, I can’t wait to sleep until I feel like getting up or read the books I have saved for the break. I will be reading The Inner Voice by Renee Fleming and Basics of Vocal Pedagogy by Clifton Ware. I have so much going on in my life that I haven’t had time to read non school books, but I certainly have missed it.

This thanksgiving break I will be studying my musicianship textbook so when I come back from break I’ll be able to pass the test. I’m so excited about next semester because I have all of these things wonderful classes that I honestly can’t wait to take.

Well dear readers, I must be off. I need to see if the Practice rooms in the Music building are open.

XOXO

Off to the Opera…

I’m off to the opera tonight and I am in an amazingly good mood today, I think it’s the weather; it’s just so beautiful outside. I love this time of year, when it’s so close to Christmas and the weather has gotten cooler. I feel so relaxed, yet, I know that I have a lot going on in my life that causes my stress level to increase I’m ok for now.

Last night I chatted with Andrew for a while again last night, I can’t believe I’d forgotten how much I loved talking with him. I’m having a good time getting to know him again. I realized last night I haven’t seen him since my grandparents wedding, which is like six years! That’s so wrong.

Anyway I need to get going now; I have some things I want to get out of the way before my voice lesson.

XOXO

I hate this class!!!!….

I’m sure all off my fellow college students out there know what it’s like to take some classes that annoy the shit out of you. I know I love most of my classes because I’m ether learning something useful or its music related which to me is useful. I am taking a “Student Success” class right now that in my opinion is more work than it’s worth. I just found out this morning that I have an “Exploration Paper” due next Wednesday regarding my education, this class is the biggest pain in the ass, I really don’t want to do any of this shit but I need the grade for my GPA and I need it because it’s a prerequisite, I hate that word and I hate this class. The teacher is pretty cool but the book is ridicules, I have more shit from this class than I know what to do with. It’s only a prerequisite because I didn’t get two points more on my placement test; otherwise I would not be in this mess.

Midterm Freak Out!…..

I have a sight singing test on Tuesday morning after my Musicianship class and I’m feeling like an idiot again. I know I can make sense of all these things if I just relax and focus, I did it this afternoon when I was re-reading the chapter on scales. I just need to get a grip on myself, I don’t know why I’m freaking out this much now when the semester is almost over and I’m passing the class. I am going to make tonight a spa night; I’m going to use my organic bath salt, body butter and lotion to relax then I’m going to hit the books once again.

I know I can do this, I am not going to give up when I’m this close to finishing the semester and getting.

Fighting with myself…..

Tonight I’m off to a master class to watch a friend perform, it’s also an audition. Last night as we talked about it I realized I envied him, I know I haven’t practiced much since the semester begun and I feel really stupid because of it, what is wrong with me? So what if I’m tired and have a ton of work to do? I should be working my ass off to improve. I’ve been given an amazing chance to study music and receive training from wonderful teachers, why am I not taking advantage of that?

Other than laziness I can’t think of another reason, this is what I want and I can’t just lie down and die, I can’t just give it up because… I’m tired, it’s foolish and ridicules.

What really matters…..

Right now I know I should be studying but instead I’m focusing on a song by Sara Bareilles named Fairytale, I love the message the song has, personally I didn’t realize until a few years ago that I realized life was not, nor would it ever be a fairytale. Prince charming doesn’t exist; there is no white knight that will solve all your problems. The only one who can take you out of the mess that you’ve made of your life is you with God’s help. There has to be a responsibility that women take for their lives, I decided not long ago I was not going to do what everyone else wanted me to do with my life, this is who I am, how I choose to be and damn it if I feel like wearing makeup I will, if I don’t fuck it! Life doesn’t end, the world won’t stop spinning and my skin will not break out because of the lack of makeup.

I’ve learned not to make mountains out of stupid little molehills, life is a precious gift; one that goes by too quickly and it’s too important to spend worrying about stupid things like finding the perfect person or whether or not you’re in the cool group. It’s not worth the time to worry about meaningless things that in the end won’t matter. I would be thrilled to meet the right person for me, but I’m not going to lose my mind if I don’t. If God sees fit for me to find the man he’s created for me, great. Let’s do it, otherwise I really don’t see the point in wasting my time worrying if tom, dick, or harry think I’m hot.

Tiny update….

So a tiny update for those who’ve written asking what is going on in my life.

 

I am in college, have been  since August, I’m so tired most of the time and it annoys me because I can barely do what I need to do so i have no time for what i want to do. It’s a huge pain in the ass, but i just need to get through the semester and i’ll be ok.

 

I’ll write a more detailed post later this week.

 

Love yas!

Lorey