Spring Cleaning My LIFE!....

Ever think back to things you did or people you were friends with and ask yourself "What the hell was I thinking?!" I'm having such a moment right now. It's just hard to believe that I have done and eww..... worn some stupid shit, and what's really a shocker is that I have so much more coming my way since I'm only 21.

This passed week I've been cleaning out my room and getting rid of all those purses, shoes, clothes and yes, books I haven't used since God knows when, It only makes sense to donate it to GoodWill so maybe someone who can actually use it will get it. I heard somewhere "you have to get rid of the old to make room for the new." and that is exactly what I'm doing. I'll admit some of it is hard to get rid of because of the things I did, places I went and people I was with while I wore them but lets just say the peasant tops I loved wearing are soo... outdated. I personally love the peasant tops but alas times have changed and they really are not nearly as in now as they were a few years back. My ex hated when I wore them, he said they made me look old. Like I fucking cared! I love those tops, fucking deal with it!... Lately (though few people know this) I've been making changes in my life that have been a long time coming.

It all started a few weeks ago when I started reading a book I've had for like over a year, maybe even two. Titled: It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt and it said something to the effect of cutting all ties with your ex at least for the time being in order for you to get over it and avoid doing something stupid like sleeping with him or clinging to the memory of your now dead and buried relationship. This made me realize I never actually did that on my terms, see when my ex dumped me (Yes, I was the dump-ee not the dump-er, I am woman enough to admit it.) we didn't speak for almost a year. After that time we E-mailed and talked over the phone, eventually we got together and yes, had sex. (I wanted sex badly!) But shortly after that I realized I was starting to think of him like I did before (pre-breakup) which was so not good, and unfortunately this also brings up the whole "Why is it easier for men to separate sex and love?" I of course kept this to myself because I, along with my friends know he's not good for me. But this is nether here nor there. Back to my "Aha!" moment; I decided if I was ever going to let go of all the baggage from my past (passed relationships included) I would have to do it on my terms and so begun the spring cleaning of my life.

I know to some people this may seem childish and perhaps idiotic but I know this was what I needed to move on. If I ever hope to (and I do.) have a healthy relationship with a man I need to cut this at the seem. Will I ever be able to have a friendship with him like I did before I am not sure, but I very much doubt that will happen. For now I'm making the changes in my life for the better and more importantly for me.

Lets face it in life you don't only make your choices but your choices make you.

Until next time readers....

Love L

Bitter Sweet Changes.....

Earlier today I started thinking about endings, and I'm not specifically talking about books or movies. I'm talking about endings in life, when you leave a job whether by choice or lack there of. Changing cities, boyfriends and so on...

I've never been a person who really loved changes and I think that's one of the things that are strange about how I work, I like structure but I also like spontaneity. I've had so many friends tell me how I never do anything without planning the hell out of it. Which I'll admit is usually the case but not as often as it used to be. Could it be that among all the changes happening in my life right now I'm also evolving into a slightly less plan-oriented person? Letting go of the old is really easier said than done in a lot of cases. Change, I'll admit it's not something I'm always happy to see but a lot of times I am.

My thing with change is not (always) really a fear of the unknown but giving up something I care about. Like graduating for example; I am so thrilled to be done with it but at the same time I will admit I am going to miss my teachers, the members of the S.A.B. Alisha (even though we talk almost everyday) and so many other things. It's a bitter-sweet ending to that chapter... Kind of like the ending of The Notebook, you're glad they were together but sad as to how it ended at the same time. Why is it change comes more easily for some than it does for others? I'm working on the whole be an "adult" thing, not really all that fun. There's so much to learn and I've lived a very sheltered and yes spoiled life. There are things I never learned to do because.. well.. I never really needed to learn them. Like yesterday I filed taxes for the first time in my life, I don't really know much about taxes except that I have no choice but to pay them. But to me little things like that are victories, small granted but victories none the less.

I think I'll get the hang of this adult thing eventually but for now I'm really just so excited about the things happening right now in my life; the fact that I'm taking the ACT test on April 12th (yes I'm excited about a test) and after that I can send in my applications for college for this fall, I honestly can't wait!!

I guess it's true what they say "When one door closes another one opens"