Hostess no more....

So working as a hostess was not even close to what I was expecting and after two days I quit. It was way too much for me and I just couldn't take it. So I'm going back to reception jobs, I applied for some and this one that starts at $10.00 full time.

On another note: I don't know what is wrong but I have like no freaking desire to work on my music, it's like I have no passion. Somewhere along the line I lost my way. It used to be all about the music, I couldn't wait to practice and now I pretty much dread it. But I'm making it change one way or another, I realized I'm not present when I practice. I sing just for the hell of it because I feel like I have to. That's not how I should be approaching something that used to give me so much joy. I think I have let the stresses and distractions of my life derail me from the path I was on, I need to make little goals for myself. Kind of like stepping stones and take it one step at a time.


Well I'm off...
XOXOXOXO

Closure, aha! moments, and no regrets!...

Closure is a very funny thing to me. Just when you think you have it and all is well with the world you are slapped in the face with the reality that you apparently didn’t get as much closure after the fact as you thought. Underestimating one's emotions has proven to be a very big pain in the ass, at least for me. It's like that pesky stress rash I get on my hand when I'm totally freaking out about a test or something that has be under an enormous amount of tension. Then suddenly... you wake up and realize the only reason you don't have the closure you need is because a part of you is holding on to the past. Real bitch isn't it?

It isn't until wasn't until I finally got it through my head that I'm holding on to something that doesn't exist, more like the memory of something that once did. But now it's OVER and just like that...Aha!!... it hits me. I don’t need to hold on to it anymore, why? because it's toxic to hold on to something fictional. Don't you just love having those moments?!! This growing up thing isn't nearly easy like I thought when I used to eavesdrop on my families conversations when I was little. I thought being an adult would make something... magical happen. If I had a chance to go back and grow up again, I'd take my time and slow down. The awful thing about growing up too quickly is that you tend to not think things through as much as you probably should, thus regret things later.
So here's to closure, aha! moments, and no regrets!

Choices, burnt toast and spilled milk...

In the last couple of months I've been questioning what has been my passion for most of my life simply because of one comment. Until thanks to a little reminder I decided to fight back. I'm not going to let someone's opinion change my entire life's direction because of burnt toast and spilled milk. Let me explain that; someone can tell you something that is hurtful to you because THEY are just having a bad day, whether it's because of they burnt their toasts or spilled their milk. It's not fair but life isn't always fair. That’s where our choices come into play.

The past is something we all look back on with ether fondness or regret, is it normal to have regrets at such a young age? Sometimes I think I'm not old enough to have regrets but then again I may be 21 but I feel like I'm 40. It seems like so much has happened in my short life, more like the last few years that I desperately wish I could change. Some of it for my own selfish reasons and others because I know I hurt some when I didn't mean to. Making wrongs right, is that selfish or unselfish?

A lot of times it isn't about choosing what's right or wrong it's about what needs to be done, as much as it may hurt someone in the end. In my mind I know walking away was right but in my heart I still wonder, did I make the right choice? I so wish I was more carefree like someone of my friends but I can't pretend to be what I'm not, I like knowing where I'm going and what's happening next. When I don't I tend to panic, even if in my own mind.

Labels and sweet connections....

How do you find a label for something that helped shape the person you are (or are becoming) when it's more than a friendship and less than love? For way too long I've been trying to figure the answer to this. We had intimacy, not the kind you have when you're laying in bed after some mind blowing sex. The kind of intimacy you have when you both know you're souls connect through something other than love or sex. Then you come to a crossroads and need to make a choice for the better or for the worst, if you really don't want to walk away from something/someone but know in your mind you have to in order to grow or fulfill your life's purpose is it still worth regretting

I had such a person in my life with whom I shared the most amazing connection with but the real doozy was I'm still not sure what we were. I miss the bond we shared, long conversations about nothing and yet everything at the same time. How is it that I'm trying to find a label for something I can't quite comprehend myself? I'm not even sure I'm looking for an answer I think I'm just remembering one of the sweetest connections I've ever had.